


and i'm still looking for my salvation

by GallifreyanFairytale



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gay Zuko (Avatar), Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor Mai/Zuko, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Projecting, Religious Guilt, Zuko (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Zuko (Avatar)-centric, actually don't read this its really bad, as per usual, but then i realized i couldn't live with myself if i did that, definitely has several canon inaccuracies but uhh lets ignore that, i almost said no happy ending, like it's in there but it's not endgame so i'm not putting it in the ship tags, this is literally just me projecting onto zuko
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:34:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26251237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GallifreyanFairytale/pseuds/GallifreyanFairytale
Summary: There is a fire rooted deep in the pit of Zuko’s stomach, and he knows that some day, he is going to have to choose between putting it out or letting it engulf him and burning the world down in the process.Zuko has always known, he thinks, to some extent at least. He didn’t have many other kids his age that he was allowed to befriend - sure, there was Mai and Ty Lee, though they were more Azula’s friends than his - but he knew he wasn’t quite the same as the other boys his age. He knew there was something eating at his brain, twisting his view of the world until it was tainted. Broken. Wrong .
Relationships: Background Mai/Ty Lee (Avatar), Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 22
Kudos: 272





	and i'm still looking for my salvation

**Author's Note:**

> a few things i changed from canon:  
> \- i couldn't find exactly how old zuko was when his mom was banished, so i might have made it happen a couple years later.  
> \- zuko doesn't go to speak with his father on the day of black sun; he just goes straight to look for iroh (who's already gone) and then leaves
> 
> also i should clarify that while i do reference Bible stories, their religion isn't Christianity. i just literally don't know anything else and, like i said in the tags, this is just me projecting.
> 
> title from 929 by halsey
> 
> MAJOR TW for religious guilt/[internalized] homophobia

There is a fire rooted deep in the pit of Zuko’s stomach, and he knows that some day, he is going to have to choose between putting it out or letting it engulf him and burning the world down in the process.

Zuko has always known, he thinks, to some extent at least. He didn’t have many other kids his age that he was allowed to befriend - sure, there was Mai and Ty Lee, though they were more Azula’s friends than his - but he knew he wasn’t quite the same as the other boys his age. He knew there was something eating at his brain, twisting his view of the world until it was tainted. Broken. _Wrong_.

When they were little, Ty Lee’s cheeks would turn pink and she would wave at Zuko and bat her eyes, and Zuko would pretend that the sickness tearing him apart from the inside was butterflies in his stomach. Mai would elbow her, but shoot a gaze at Zuko that lingered just a little too long, and Zuko would wish his firebending could make his cheeks blush pink like they were supposed to. Instead, he would bury his face in his mother’s dress and try to ignore their looks.

_“Quit making googly eyes at my brother!”_ Azula would exclaim, and Zuko’s grasp on his mother’s dress would tighten, and he would wish he could tell her to walk faster. But his mother would laugh lightly and tell Zuko how _all_ the girls would be chasing him when he was older.

Zuko didn’t _want_ all the girls to be chasing him. He didn’t want to get married at all, but he couldn’t say that out loud, so he just stayed quiet. As he grew older, he would learn to laugh along in order to avoid raising suspicions.

\--

Zuko knows how the world has to work by the time he is eight. He knows he will have to marry (and he guesses it will be a daughter of one of his father’s most trusted councilmen) and he knows he will have to have a son who will be next in line for Fire Lord. But he doesn’t really want to think about it, so he does his best to push thoughts of marriage and girls out of his head.

Azula _adores_ thinking about the future, though. She likes to imagine what it will be like when she has more power and can help the Fire Lord lead. Zuko thinks maybe she just wants to make him do whatever she wants after he’s crowned, and she’ll probably get away with it too.

So when Azula starts teasing him and taunting him about crushes, Zuko decides to just pick one. He chooses carefully - it has to be someone Azula won’t outright mock him for having a crush on. Azula will tease him no matter what, but Zuko doesn’t mind Azula’s attention being focused on him. Especially when it’s harmless teasing instead of ruthless threats.

“Mai,” he tells her. Mai is uninterested in most things, so Zuko figures he doesn’t have to worry about her liking him back. She’s also the only one of Azula’s friends who has told Azula to _‘Just leave him alone,’_ when Azula is being particularly harsh in her mockery of him. “I like Mai.”

Azula doesn’t squeal with joy like a little sister should; she looks like she’s found a weakness of Zuko’s to exploit.

Zuko is vaguely aware of the fact that he just _picked_ Mai out of the few girls his age he actually knew, but the part of his brain that just wants to live the life his parents expect of him convinces Zuko that he really does have a crush on Mai. Not the stutter-y, blush-y, fast heartbeat-y, kind of crush, though. Just the, _hey, I’d like to get to know you better and you’re a girl, so this must be a crush_ sort of crush.

But that’s just normal for a boy Zuko’s age, isn’t it? There’s no reason someone as young as Zuko needs to be thinking about actual relationships and dating and having a girlfriend. This is what a crush is at Zuko’s age; picking a tolerable girl and telling anyone who asks _that’s the one!_

\--

Zuko’s father has always said girls liking girls and boys liking boys is wrong, and who is Zuko to argue with his judgment? He cites the gods and spirits, saying they shamed it. He says the world was created for marriage to be between a woman and a man, and that people going against that are _dirty_ and _shameful_ and _choosing to go down the worst possible path you can choose for your life_.

Okay, so he hasn’t exactly said those words specifically, but Zuko gets the point. He can’t like boys. Which is fine, because he doesn’t. He definitely likes girls and girls only. And even if he _did_ like boys (which he doesn’t), he wouldn’t actually _marry_ one. He knows better.

So Zuko’s father has nothing to worry about, and as far as Zuko can tell, he isn’t worried about Zuko wanting to marry a man. He’s worried about many of Zuko’s other flaws, sure, like how Zuko likes to read more than he likes to train and how he cares about turtleducks living in the garden more than Azula sometimes, but Zuko’s father is not worried about Zuko liking boys.

That is the one thing Zuko can do right. He can marry a girl. And then maybe they can adopt a son without anyone realizing that the heir to the throne is not related to the Fire Lord by blood. Zuko’s future wife will just have to stay out of the public eye for nine months leading up to an adoption. That could work, right?

Zuko isn’t sure, but he tells himself it will work out. If not, Azula can always be the one to have kids. It’s not _ideal_ , but if Zuko doesn’t have kids, maybe everyone will just think it isn’t possible for him and they’ll leave him alone.

Zuko knows he shouldn’t lie - his father has drilled that into his brain - but if he’s just _hiding the truth_ , it will be fine. Probably. Besides, Zuko doesn’t feel much remorse about lying. Azula is a terrible liar, but Zuko can lie without batting an eye. He’s fooled Uncle Iroh by spouting facts that are clearly untrue with a straight face on more than one occasion.

_“The king of Omashu’s favorite color is actually light pink.”_

_“Really?”_

_“No, Uncle. How would I even know that?”_

Uncle always laughs at Zuko, but Zuko’s mother chastises him gently, telling him not to take advantage of his uncle. Zuko isn’t really sure how he’s “taking advantage” of him, though. Uncle has been a celebrated general for a long time. Surely he should pick up on Zuko lying about facts he would have no way of knowing?

Zuko lies about other things too. He’s not always sure why, it just comes so easily to him. He lies about what he had for breakfast to Ty Lee because he thinks she wants to hear he ate something more grown-up than a cinnamon bun. He lies to Mai about what he did yesterday because really, he read poetry, but Mai doesn’t want to hear about Zuko’s favorite poets, so he says he was training. He lies to his mother about his favorite color still being red because he doesn’t want her to make a big deal about it changing. He lies to Azula about how firebending training is going.

He doesn’t lie about important things (though he’s known to occasionally hide the truth), so he isn’t entirely sure why he keeps lying about things that don’t matter. Things that don’t matter, _objectively_. They don’t matter to Zuko (why should he care what Ty Lee had for breakfast or what Mai did yesterday if they don’t decide to tell him? That’s their business), but Zuko is pretty sure they matter to other people. Maybe that’s why he lies about little things. He can tell that big things matter, but he can’t tell which small things matter.

He can’t tell which small things are going to get him made fun of, so he lies about all of them in order to not risk it.

And, well, maybe he lies about some big things too. Maybe he doesn’t tell his parents about his crush on Mai. (‘Cause then it could get _serious_.) Maybe he doesn’t tell his parents that he’s actually struggling with some of his schoolwork simply because he can’t focus on it. (Why should he need to know mathematics anyways? He can get someone else to do math for him once he’s the Fire Lord.) Maybe he hides more of himself from his parents than he thinks.

But it’s just because they expect Zuko to be the boy they think he is. How can he expose to his mother that she doesn’t really know him? How can he shake the (very fragile) social construct of himself he’s put _so much work_ into building up? He can’t just _change_ who he is; there are consequences to that. There are prices to pay for breaking character.

\--

Zuko is eleven years old when he fully realizes that there is something wrong with him. His brain is not working in the ways it should, and he isn’t sure _how_ or _why_ , but he knows there’s _something_ wrong. 

His mother laughs it off and says it’s puberty.

Zuko isn’t sure puberty makes him feel all worried and sad for no reason, but he supposes maybe it could just be mood swings.

His mother says Zuko is simply _unique_. She has always known that he was special, she tells him. Of course his brain doesn’t work the same way as everyone else’s does - he’s a gifted child. He has been reading books meant for teenagers since he was six. Maybe the heat makes him nauseous (it actually makes him irritable and gives him a headache, but Zuko doesn’t correct his mother), but that’s just because of his pale skin. 

Zuko believes his mother. Why shouldn’t he? She hasn’t wronged him in the past, and she only wants the best for him.

He still believes there must be something in his brain that makes him always afraid of saying the wrong thing to the point where he simply won’t talk, but he can probably just learn to deal with it himself. He can pray to the gods and they’ll listen to him and ease his anxieties, because that is what they are there to do. They are, at their roots, helpful and wanting the best for people who follow their teachings.

And Zuko prides himself on the fact that he follows their teachings, just as his father has taught him. Zuko and his father may not see eye-to-eye on everything, but they agree on religion. Zuko has grown up listening to religious teachings every week and doing his absolute best to pay attention, because he knows it’s _important_ , and he has learned so much more than most people his age. He likes to think he has memorized more about the gods than even Azula. He does _exceptional_ in religious quizzes, as his teachers have told his parents. 

Zuko loves the stories. He loves the story of the world flooding, and the story of the messenger who was swallowed by a fish. He loves to laugh with Mai about the inside jokes they make about the stories. Sometimes Ty Lee will join in. Azula just looks annoyed when they laugh about infusing what the gods say in the stories with modern-day slang.

_“Jonah was such a whiny butt,” Ty Lee whispers._

_“‘I’m angry enough to die!’” Mai says in a deep voice._

_Zuko places his hand to his head and falls dramatically to the ground. “‘Everything I love is gone!’”_

_“You three are obnoxious,” Azula grumbles._

And while Zuko is aware that maybe he _shouldn’t_ be calling the heroes in the stories of the gods “whiny butts”, at least he respects the stories enough to study them, and he believes in them. He believes the gods are looking down on him and listening to his prayers. 

He believes they will protect him.

\--

When his mother disappears in the middle of the night and is announced to be dead in the morning, Zuko is absolutely sure the gods know what they’re doing. He is angry at them for taking his mother away, but he’s sure there must be a reason. Zuko is young; he can’t see the big picture. He doesn’t know the gods’ plan.

Zuko cries and screams and wishes for his mother back every time he sees a shooting star or blows the seeds from a dandelion, but he does not lose faith. The gods should be proud of him for that, right? He’s heard so many stories of people losing faith after losing someone they love. 

Maybe the gods will reward him like they rewarded the heroes.

\--

The gods do not reward Zuko, and Zuko understands why shortly after his twelfth birthday.

Mai and Ty Lee have _begged_ Mai’s parents to take Zuko and Azula with them on a shopping day, and after months of pleading, they finally arrange it. Several guards trail behind them as they make their way through the marketplace, and Zuko has no idea how many guards are in disguise around them, but he decides not to think about it.

The girls want to look at jewelry, and since they’re the majority, Zuko doesn’t bother trying to argue. He watches their eyes shine as they point to necklaces and bracelets they find pretty. Zuko pretends to be disinterested, but he does like the collection of simple bracelets made out of red, yellow, and orange fabric woven together. Like your own personal flame on your wrist.

He doesn’t say anything, though. He just agrees with the girls’ opinions on what jewelry is prettiest and what is ugly beyond redemption.

The girls get matching friendship bracelets and take turns tying them on each other’s wrists while Zuko stands awkwardly to the side. Mai’s parents assure him they will stop somewhere with things Zuko likes next, but the girls get distracted by a stand selling the most beautiful scarves they’ve ever seen. Zuko isn’t upset, though. He knew he would mostly be following whatever the girls wanted to do anyways. He only came to get out of the palace and away from his father and firebending teachers.

A boy about Zuko’s age timidly peeks out from behind the scarf stand when the group approaches, and Zuko is stunned by how _pretty_ he is. Not in the sense that he looks like a girl, but in the sense that yeah, he’s a little attractive.

Zuko doesn’t like boys, though.

But as the day drags on, he begins to wonder how much truth is in that statement. Is the fact that he’s been clinging to his entire life, the _one thing_ that he wasn’t disappointing his father with, really a lie Zuko has been feeding himself?

As they eat lunch, Zuko watches the other kids his age passing by with their parents, both boys and girls. He doesn’t like boys, but they are objectively more attractive than girls, he decides. Surely everyone knows that. It’s just a common fact.

Or maybe Zuko does like boys, he thinks as he takes a sip of water. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t like girls. And it doesn’t mean he would actually _marry_ a boy. He couldn’t! He’s going to marry a girl and he’s going to become Fire Lord with a wife at his side.

Besides, Zuko could never kiss a boy. That would be _gross_ . Sure, boys’ lips are kind of pretty and soft-looking, but _kissing_? No. Zuko will gladly pass on that.

The more he thinks about it over the next few months though, the less sure he is that he wouldn’t ever kiss a boy. At first, he decides it’s just natural curiosity. But then he realizes Ty Lee and Mai and Azula probably don’t think about what it’s like to kiss girls just because of _natural curiosity_.

_So what?_ Zuko tells himself. _It’s not like you don’t like girls too._ That’s true; Zuko is absolutely sure of it. How could he not like girls? He knows Mai is very pretty, and he’s had a crush on her off and on for several years now. Even if he _does_ like boys, that doesn’t mean he has to act on it. He won’t.

He promises the gods that he won’t do it. He’s going to marry a girl and he’s not going to even _consider_ marrying a boy. That’s what the gods want, that’s what the religious teachers say. They say some people struggle with the sinful attraction towards the same gender, but that attraction isn’t inherently bad. _Acting_ on it is what’s wrong, so Zuko won’t do it.

He still thinks about it sometimes, though. About a secret love affair with a boy that will inevitably end in heartbreak before Zuko ends up marrying the daughter of a celebrated general. He thinks about having a first love who is a boy, just to know what it’s like. Just so he doesn’t miss out completely.

He can’t tell anyone, though, so he shoves those fantasies as far down as they will go. He knows they are impossible anyways. 

The fact that they are still in his brain, though, tells Zuko exactly why the gods took his mother from him. It’s all his fault. He can’t suppress this… this… _unholiness_ well enough, and the gods knew this before even Zuko did. Losing his mother was just a warning. The gods can do so much worse.

So Zuko tries to ignore this part of him, he really does. He puts everything he has into being a good, religious, child and not a boy who likes boys.

\--

He doesn’t do a good enough job, apparently.

His banishment is proof enough of that.

He has a new focus now, though. He has a way to prove to his father and the gods that he is not his sinful wishes. He can find the Avatar, restore his honor, and prove he can still be holy.

\--

He becomes obsessed with finding the Avatar. He swears he will search every corner of the world - every crack and crevice - until he finds where the Avatar is hiding. And then he will bring the Avatar to his father, and everything will be exactly as it used to be. Exactly as it _should_ be.

He loses sleep planning where to go next. He forgets to eat, forgets to even so much as move from his desk, because he cannot think of anything besides his search for the Avatar. He knows Uncle is worried about him, but he can’t bring himself to care.

The only thing that matters is the Avatar be captured.

Zuko doesn’t know how much time he puts into poring over maps and history books, scouring libraries and pawn shops, looking for any hint of where the Avatar might be. He is vaguely aware that his obsession can’t be healthy, but it stops him from dwelling on… other issues within himself that will remain unnamed, so he willingly lets this obsession take over his entire life.

For years, he spends his waking moments thinking only about the next step in his journey to find the Avatar. He eats irregularly, he sleeps irregularly, and Uncle has found him passed out in rooms he doesn’t belong in on more than one occasion. But he’s stopped fantasizing about a secret forbidden relationship, so he ignores Uncle’s concerns.

He has to.

This is the only way.

\--

Roughly three years later, Zuko finds himself utterly and completely alone. He isn’t welcome back in the Fire Nation and he hasn’t seen Mai and Ty Lee since his banishment. He isn’t welcome with the Avatar, and he doesn't think he could stomach joining their group anyways. He left the one person who still loved him behind.

He just wants to be back in the garden with Mai and Ty Lee laughing about stories of the gods and feeding the turtleducks. 

It’s his fault, though. It’s all Zuko’s fault that this is where he ended up. He was so obsessed with capturing the Avatar, and for what? To prove his worth to his father? To prove his worth to the gods? 

Zuko is beginning to think that no matter what he does, neither his father nor the gods will accept him. He couldn’t capture the Avatar despite how long he spent unable to focus on anything else. He couldn’t push his sexuality crisis deep enough for it to disappear. He couldn’t hold on to anyone - not even Uncle - because what’s the point?

They’d all hate him if they knew.

Even if his father doesn’t know it yet (though Zuko is beginning to doubt that), he hates Zuko for reasons Zuko has spent his entire life hiding. If they were to find out that he liked boys, Azula, Mai, and Ty Lee would surely all hate him too. They were raised on the same religious preachings Zuko was. Even Uncle Iroh would hate him.

The only people Zuko had actually spoken to who _might_ not hate him for his sexuality hate him for completely other reasons, and they’re right to do so. While Aang seems like the kind of person to not judge anyone based on who they fall in love with, Zuko isn’t sure his friends were raised with the same mindset. The air nomads were the ones to bring widespread acceptance, and now Aang is the only one left.

Zuko isn’t sure why he’s even considering this, though. The Avatar and his friends all hate him because he’s spent so long following them, trying to capture the Avatar, making their lives even more difficult and dangerous, putting countless innocent civilians in danger, and for simply being his father’s son.

And it’s not like Zuko can blame them.

He hates himself.

\--

Jet doesn’t like boys. Zuko is _absolutely_ certain of this fact. 

But that doesn’t stop Zuko from _maybe_ developing a _tiny_ crush on him. 

It’s not like he’d make a move or anything, though, so what’s the harm? He’ll do whatever Jet wants - help him steal food for a good cause that Zuko would normally not give a damn about - and he’ll maybe stare at Jet a little too long when he isn’t looking, and he might even think about what it would be like to even just hold his hand. But he’s not going to actually _do_ anything. 

His religious upbringing will prevent that.

Besides, Jet doesn’t even like boys, so what would the point be?

Zuko will just keep shoving his feelings down like he’s done his entire life, and he’ll barely even allow himself to speculate that he might have a crush on Jet, because it _doesn’t matter_. Zuko isn’t going to get his little secret love affair, he’s not going to get a star-crossed summer love, he’s not going to get a first love no one knows about, and he’s not going to ever date a boy.

He wants to, _spirits_ he wants to.

But he can’t.

It’s not fair to Jet, to start a relationship he has no intention of sticking around for. It’ll set them both up for heartbreak, and that isn’t fair.

\--

The gods see Zuko’s refusal to pursue anything with Jet, and they reward him. Azula tells him that his father wants him home, and Zuko can’t say no.

Some part of him is aware that his father and his friends back in the Fire Nation would still all hate him if they knew about his sexuality, but he doesn’t listen. He still likes girls, so no one has to ever find out. It’ll be Zuko’s secret that he’ll take to his grave, and he’s okay with that.

He was on the edge of falling into the Avatar’s trap, too. He really almost listened to Katara and asked to join them. They _almost_ had him in their clutches, but they failed.

They failed spectacularly, and Zuko is welcomed home. He’s finally _home_.

Mai and Ty Lee hug him until he can’t breathe and insist he tell them _everything_ that happened in the three years he was gone, but Zuko is too shaken to relive the past three years in one evening right now, so he tells them, _“Another time. Tell me how you’ve been.”_

They talk late into the night, and this feels _right_. Ty Lee tells stories about the circus, and Zuko finds himself glancing at Mai. She’s grown so much since he left, and she’s absolutely beautiful. She’s still the same gloomy girl inside, though. Bored by everything.

Except she seems to be smiling whenever Zuko laughs.

Maybe Zuko’s crush can go somewhere now.

Maybe the gods have finally decided that Zuko can get the happily ever after everyone expects from him. 

\--

Zuko is absolutely positive Mai is The One for exactly three weeks. 

She’s literally perfect. She’s probably the prettiest girl Zuko’s ever seen, she feeds the turtleducks with Zuko, she actually appreciates the classic literature Zuko fell in love with as a kid (unlike pretty much every other person Zuko has met in his life). He likes cuddling with her, holding her close. It reminds him that he isn’t alone.

Kissing is a little weird at first, but that’s only to be expected. Neither he nor Mai have ever kissed anyone before, so of course it’s going to be awkward and weird and borderline gross at the beginning. It gets better, though, until it feels normal.

Three weeks after coming home, though, the honeymoon phase seems to fade away, and Zuko is left doubting himself. He doesn’t _want_ to break up with Mai exactly, but staying with her doesn’t quite feel right anymore either.

He begins to dread having to see her. 

He’s really tired of having to kiss her, and everything he says seems to be forced or just a repetition of what Mai has said to him first. He’s never the one to initiate kisses or hugs or even the first to speak what he’s feeling. Mai initiates everything, and Zuko is afraid of why he might not be able to show his affection towards her.

He tries to do more, to be better for Mai. He calls her beautiful, he does what he thinks she wants him to, but it isn’t right. It isn’t natural. It’s clunky and awkward and Zuko wishes he knew why he can’t seem to show any affection to his own girlfriend.

Shouldn’t this relationship thing get easier with time? Because it really feels like it’s getting harder and worse and rougher and Zuko _doesn’t_ want to kiss Mai ever again, but what is he supposed to do? He _has_ to marry Mai. If he doesn’t marry Mai, he’ll never find a girl he likes enough to spend the rest of his life with, and then Azula will end up bearing the heir to the throne, which isn’t exactly ideal.

Mai deserves better than Zuko, though, and he’s well aware of it. He loves her, but he doesn’t love her _enough_ . This relationship isn’t _enough_. Mai deserves someone who doesn’t feel like he’s missing out on--

_No._ He won’t say it. Zuko is not missing out on anything. He needs to be with Mai.

But Mai needs to be with someone better than him.

Because no matter how hard he tries, Zuko keeps wondering what he’s missing out on if he spends the rest of his life with Mai. If his only relationship is with a girl. Even with Mai right there - with the perfect future _right there_ \- Zuko cannot stop thinking about what it would be like to date a boy instead.

He can’t break up with Mai on the hunch that maybe there’s a boy out there who’s his soulmate, though. He can’t break up with his one chance for the future he needs to live out for some boy who’s no more than a concept that might not even exist.

But he can’t keep Mai to himself either. It isn’t fair to her.

Maybe it isn’t fair to either of them.

\--

Mai says it before Zuko gets the chance. He plans to tell her after they return from Ember Island, but she comes to him after their campfire has died down and says they need to break up. 

“Yeah,” is the only thing that falls from Zuko’s lips.

“Yeah?”

“I was going to wait until we got home, but I was going to end things too.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

They talk for a while about nothing in particular and decide that the just weren’t going to work out in the long run. Or at least, that’s what they’re going to tell everyone. Zuko is still going to hide his feelings about boys from his friends and family for the rest of his life. Maybe he’ll find a boy who is okay with pretending to be nothing more than friends in front of everyone else, or maybe he’ll find a girl besides Mai who he loves enough to stay with.

Zuko cries himself to sleep, and then he picks himself up the next morning. He feels an empty hole in his chest, but only because he misses being someone’s favorite by default. Not because he misses Mai specifically. Besides, he and Mai are still friends. They still sit next to each other on the ride home.

There’s just no pressure to kiss anymore, which Zuko is overjoyed by.

He doesn’t tell anyone that he and Mai broke up - he leaves that to Mai. If he says anything, people will just try to comfort him, and he doesn’t really deserve that. He doesn’t want to be seen as an attention seeker.

(So maybe he does still have a small problem with hiding the truth.)

Ty Lee tells him that there are, _“plenty of other girls out there,”_ and Zuko almost breaks before she leaves the room.

There are plenty of other girls out there, sure, but there are zero other girls Zuko thinks he could tolerate spending the rest of his life in a relationship with. He couldn’t even make it a month in his relationship with Mai, how is he supposed to spend the rest of his life married to a woman?

\--

It doesn’t hit him until a week later.

He was never in love with Mai. He loved her, sure, but he wasn’t _in love_ with her. He loved her like a friend and nothing more. He’s never actually had a crush on a girl in his life, and he highly doubts that’s going to change now. He always just _picked_ Mai, because she was the most like him. She was the closest thing to a best friend Zuko had ever had.

And he’s going to lose her.

He can’t stay here.

Every single person he is on good terms with in the Fire Nation is going to hate Zuko one day, all because he _doesn’t like girls_. And Zuko hasn’t cried over his sexuality crisis since he was twelve years old, but all he can do in the dark of the night is look at his hands and shake with silent tears.

Because _what was it even all for?_

Zuko did everything right. He spent his life dedicated to the gods, to doing what they wanted him to. He spent countless hours studying religious texts and pushing down crushes and obeying his parents and sure, he wasn’t perfect, but nobody is, and Zuko at least _tried_. He tried to do what the gods wanted.

He obsessed over religion, memorizing the names and stories and lessons to be learned until he remembered them better than what he’d eaten for lunch. He passed every religion quiz with flying colors. His only friends had been brought up practising the same religion he had. He had done _everything right_.

But in the end, it doesn’t matter. The gods condemned Zuko before he was born for something he never even wanted.

Zuko wipes the tears that have fallen and he doesn’t cry anymore. His chest is hollow, his mind is fuzzy, his heart is numb. But he doesn’t cry. He can’t get himself to cry.

He’s angry. He’s angry at the gods, he’s angry at his father, he’s angry at _himself_. But mostly he’s just empty.

Eventually, the only thing he can think is _I need to leave._

His father’s offhand comments about people in the earth kingdoms _‘choosing’_ to be gay seals the deal.

Zuko needs to leave, and he knows exactly when he’s going to do it. His father may rely on his firebending to defend himself, but Zuko has picked up enough other skills over the years that he won’t be rendered defenseless during the eclipse that is quickly approaching.

While the entire Fire Nation is prepared for an attack, Zuko is going to get Uncle, and he’s going to leave. He’s going to run away and he’s not going to look back.

He has no idea what he’s going to do once he’s gone (he has a dream of finding the Avatar’s friends and begging for forgiveness), but he knows he will not stay in this palace one day longer than he must.

He can’t.

\--

It’s his fault; Zuko is sure of it.

It’s entirely his fault that the invasion failed.

He realized he was gay and he decided to leave in the hopes of finding somewhere he could be himself, and the invasion _failed_. How could it have even failed? The firebenders were completely weaponless for Agni’s sake!

Now the world is hopeless, and for what? So Zuko can daydream about having a boyfriend?

He should’ve just stayed in the palace. What’s he even supposed to do now? Uncle had already broken free, so now he’s alone in the woods with a stolen war balloon and Agni knows how big of a bounty on his head and he’s blaming himself for the battle being lost.

(Logically, he knows it isn’t his fault. But he can’t shake the guilt screaming at him that this is the gods’ punishment for him trying to be comfortably gay and religious at the same time.)

He can, of course, offer his help to the Avatar and his friends. He’s probably just about the only firebender who isn’t looking for their blood right now. But would they even accept the offer? His intent in following them was to offer his help, but… what if he was wrong?

Besides, it’s his fault they lost the battle anyways. They just don’t know that yet.

They will eventually, though. Especially if they _do_ agree to let him teach Aang firebending. They’ll see who Zuko really is - they’ll realize he’s going to be unworthy of love no matter _what_ he does simply because of his sexuality - and then he’ll be back at square one with the whole world against him.

Despite knowing Iroh will hate him too, he desperately wishes Uncle were here.

\--

When Sokka grabs Zuko’s arm for the first time, his heart jumps.

And then it _breaks_.

\--

This is everything Zuko wanted. Friends. Family. _Belonging_.

But every laugh leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. Every hug leaves a stinging in his chest. Because Zuko has a choice looming over his head, a two-word secret that will send the entire world up in flames if it is ever spoken aloud.

He wants to tell someone - _anyone_ \- but he can’t.

He still can’t.

He has everything he’s wanted for his entire life. Mai and Ty Lee are his friends again, he’s found new friends in the Avatar and his gang, he’s the goddamn _Fire Lord_ and no one is even pressuring him to get married. He’s exactly where he wanted to be for so long.

_But he still can’t be himself._

\--

He almost tells Aang. If any of his friends would accept him, it would be Aang. But Aang just looks so happy and carefree for the first time since Zuko met him that he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to burden him.

He doesn’t want to risk Aang hating him either.

Because if Aang doesn’t accept him, there’s no hope that anyone else will.

And the world will burn.

\--

Mai and Ty Lee return from Kyoshi Island hand-in-hand, and Zuko is too stunned to say anything.

Mai comes to him later, though. 

“I know how we were raised--”

“Mai, don’t.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t. I-- I’m--” Zuko can’t get the words out. He has his best friend right there, guaranteed to accept him, and he still can’t make his brain spit out the words he’s been dying to be allowed to spill.

“You are too?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

She pulls him into a tight hug and Zuko clings to her like she’s about to disappear. For the first time since he was little, he cries where someone else can see him.

“It’s okay. We’re okay. We’re allowed to _be_.”

Zuko knows that might be true for Mai and Ty Lee, but it can’t be true for the Fire Lord. Of course his council and advisors are more open than his father's, but allowing the citizens of the Fire Nation to marry whomever they pleased was far easier than the Fire Lord himself marrying whomever he pleased.

At least he knows he isn’t alone.

\--

Sokka doesn’t like boys. Zuko is _absolutely_ certain of this fact.

But Zuko still feels himself helplessly falling for his best friend.

He likes to think he hides it well, but it takes Mai approximately four minutes of being in the same room as both Zuko and Sokka before she raises her eyebrow, and Zuko can practically hear her saying, _You’re really crushing on_ him _?_

Zuko grins sheepishly and shrugs.

He can’t help it. Everything Sokka does is _adorable_ . And it doesn’t help that Sokka is very _touchy_ with all of his friends. He hangs onto Zuko’s arm when they’re walking around the palace. He shamelessly grabs Zuko’s hand to drag him around. He leans his head on Zuko’s shoulder when they feed the turtleducks in the garden. He can’t go a single day without hugging _someone_ , and Zuko happens to allow Sokka hugs whenever he wants. 

Unfortunately, Sokka doesn’t like boys.

Zuko doesn’t exactly have any solid proof of that, but he’s sure of it nonetheless.

Still, he’ll relish in Sokka’s touches and the way Sokka always positions himself on Zuko’s left side as a barrier and the way Sokka looks when he laughs and Zuko _knows_ that his heart is going to shatter when some girl sweeps Sokka off his feet, but he’ll deal with that when it comes.

He wishes it could be easier. He wishes he could be open about himself, but Mai’s the only one he trusts enough to tell besides Sokka. And while Sokka would _probably_ accept him, Zuko is scared he’ll pull the, _“that’s cool but you don’t have a crush on me or anything, right?”_ card, and Zuko doesn’t know how he would react to that.

It’s safe to say it wouldn’t go well and Zuko would likely end up ruining the best friendship he’d ever made.

\--

Zuko freezes. He shouldn’t eavesdrop, he knows this, but he can’t help himself. He heard Katara’s voice coming from Mai’s room.

“Do you know if Zuko’s into guys?”

“Why?” Mai sounds bored, and Zuko is grateful for that.

“I’m about ready to kill Sokka with how annoying his crush has gotten.”

“I’m sorry?”

“He can’t seem to shut up about Zuko,” Katara elaborates. Zuko thinks his heart might stop. This can’t be true. “It’s annoying everyone.”

“Oh?”

“I don’t want to meddle if Zuko isn’t into guys, though.”

Zuko knows he should leave, but he wants to hear how Mai responds. He really doesn’t know what he’s hoping for. On one hand, Mai is the only person he’s ever come out to and she is well aware of that fact. On the other, Mai knows how Zuko feels about Sokka. She probably feels the same way Katara seems to.

“I’m not sure.”

Zuko breathes out. He’s relieved. He knew he could trust Mai.

\--

“You should tell Sokka how you feel.”

Zuko can’t believe Mai is being so blunt not even an hour after talking to Katara. Actually, scratch that. This is perfectly in character for Mai.

“I can’t.” Zuko has never wanted anything more in his life, but he _can’t_. It’s far too risky. “No one else can know.”

“You’re going to lose him.”

“I’ve always known that.”

Zuko has spent his entire life shoving down the flame of unholiness flickering inside of him, and while he doesn’t necessarily believe it to be unholy anymore, he knows it is still destructive. He has a kingdom to worry about.

He can’t burn down the world for one boy.

\--

Mai refuses to speak to him the next day, and Zuko pretends he doesn’t care. He pretends it doesn’t hurt more than anything in the world that the only person he’s trusted completely is neglecting to acknowledge his existence.

He pretends he isn’t fazed until Sokka asks him what’s wrong and he breaks.

He doesn’t even say anything; he just starts crying and he can’t get himself to stop.

They collapse in the middle of the hallway, Zuko sitting in Sokka’s lap with his face buried in Sokka’s shoulder, fingers digging into the fabric of Sokka’s robes. And Sokka just holds him. He lets Zuko cry for what feels like hours until Zuko is sure every tear he’s ever had in his body is soaking Sokka’s shirt, and Zuko is so exhausted he could fall asleep right there, in the hallway, with Sokka’s arms wrapped around his body.

“Can you walk?” Sokka whispers.

Zuko nods, and Sokka helps him to his feet. They make their way to Zuko’s room slowly, and none of the guards even shoot a glance at them. 

Zuko wishes it could just _be like that_ \- the two of them walking the castle with Sokka’s arm around Zuko and the guards not thinking anything of it. 

But if the implication is that they’re anything other than friends, everyone’s opinions will change in the blink of an eye.

Despite being sure his tears were gone only moments ago, Zuko’s throat begins to ache like he’s going to cry again.

Sokka sets Zuko down on his bed, and then plops himself down right across from Zuko like it’s the most natural thing in the world. 

“Are you going to be okay?”

“I don’t know.”

“Zuko--”

“Don’t.”

Sokka retracts his hand and drops it in his lap. Zuko wipes his own tears with his sleeve. When did he start crying again?

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

No. No, Zuko does not want to tell Sokka about how he has to spend the rest of his life in hiding just because he had the misfortune of being the Fire Lord’s son and how he’s pretty sure he’s hopelessly in love with Sokka, but they can’t be together because the entire world is resting on the fact that Zuko keeps his sexuality hidden and Sokka deserves better than his relationship being a secret forever and if Zuko had just been born _normal_ , he wouldn’t be here right now and he doesn’t even know if he believes in the gods anymore but he still feels guilty and like acting on his feelings for Sokka will ruin something or everything and he would rather hand the Fire Nation over to Azula than tell Sokka any of this.

But he spills it all anyways. He’s kept it bottled up for so long. He knew he was bound to break eventually, and he hates the fact that Sokka is the one he’s pushing all of his issues onto, but now that the floodgates have opened, he can’t stop. 

He tells Sokka everything. He tells him about being raised worshipping the gods and spirits and putting forth maximum effort to at least _try_ to be someone they could love, about how he’s spent his entire life feeling like he’s a grenade just waiting to be set off, about how he still blames himself for so many things that aren’t at all his fault because he thought the gods were punishing him, about how he wishes he could be anything but the Fire Lord so he could just _be who he wants to_ , about how it feels like the entire world is depending on him to stay in hiding, about how he’s sure growing up like that has caused so many issues he can’t even begin to identify, about how he has feelings for his best friend and he thinks his best friend might reciprocate them but he can’t do one _goddamn_ thing about it because he’s so scared of being the reason the world erupts into another war.

And at the end of it, Sokka just looks at him, eyes wide, mouth hanging open.

“Zuko, I--”

“Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault.”

Sokka doesn’t say anything else. He moves next to Zuko, and he holds him until they both fall asleep.

\--

Zuko wakes in Sokka’s arms, and he nearly starts crying again.

\--

“I don’t care if we have to hide,” Sokka tells him after he wakes. “I want to be with you.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’ve never been more certain of anything.”

Zuko doesn’t know who initiates the kiss, but he’s fully aware of the fireworks exploding in his stomach and behind his eyelids. This is nothing like the forced, weird, kisses with Mai. Zuko is pretty sure he’s not going to get tired of kissing Sokka anytime soon.

\--

Zuko wakes two weeks later with one thought echoing in his mind, refusing to let him go until he realizes what it means:

_I’m going to burn the world down._

He looks at the sleeping boy curled into his side, and he knows that the flames will be worth it.

_We’re going to burn the world down._

_And the gods will cheer us on._

\--

“I want to tell everyone.” Zuko once swore he couldn’t burn down the world for one boy, but his mind has since changed. Sokka is everything he thought he could never have and for the first time in his life, he doesn’t feel like he’s wrong to love a man. For the first time in his life, Zuko isn’t afraid of the damage he could cause by simply owning up to who he is. ‘Cause yeah, maybe the world will burn. But maybe it won’t. And Sokka is worth the risk of finding out.

“Are you sure?” 

“I’ve never been more certain of anything.”

Sokka brushes a strand of hair out of Zuko’s face. He’s beaming. But Zuko says it first.

“I love you.”

“Hey, no fair, you beat me to it!”

Zuko laughs. He presses a kiss to Sokka’s forehead.

“I love you too,” Sokka whispers.

\--

There is a fire rooted deep in the pit of Zuko’s stomach, and he spent his life believing he would have to choose between letting it engulf him or letting it engulf the rest of the world.

But the world does not burn down because of Zuko. The world does not burn down because of love.

The world lights up, and Zuko thinks he hears the gods celebrating too.


End file.
